Having a child is the best thing that has ever happened to me. My son is an amazing person and is one of the best babies that I have ever come into contact with. Then again I might be a little biased, NAH. Though he is so cooperative and well mannered I can't help but feel like I have missed something.

When I graduated in 2004 I decided to take a year off and work full time. I was headed to NYU but afraid that if I went right out of high school that I would end up partying and inevitably drop out. Not going away to college was a big mistake. I got to work full time while all of my friends went away to college. I heard from them on occasion when they had time to talk between their new schools, new friends and new lives. I couldn't help but feel like I was the only person not invited to the best party. And the worst part was that I had chosen this. I had chosen to stay home, I had chosen to spend my days working and my nights partying, wasting away what I now look back on as "my youth".

My freshman year ended and I decided it was time to attend NYU to study acting. My life had revolved around acting, I had dreamed of this. I had been so focused on acting my entire life that I hadn't ever made a back up plan. Anytime I would get asked "what do you want to do with your life" I would respond "I want to act" then I would get the response "and if that doesn't happen", and every single time I would say "it will happen, there is no if". So this was the plan, get out of Fairfax and spread my wings as an actress.

I became pregnant the summer between my freshman and sophomore year of college. My world was about to change forever.

What would I do now? I can't go to NYU with a baby on the way and the beginnings of a family. It took many months for me to let go of the idea of NYU. It has taken me much longer to let go of the idea of having the "college experience". The plays, classes, acting, parties, dorms, and sororities will be a world the I will never be a part of and will never understand. This alone has been the hardest thing for me to grasp.

I am not mad, not sad and I certainly don't regret any decision that I have ever made in my life. I simply feel lost. I feel like I have been left behind, like somehow someone skipped over me when they were planning everyone else's life. I'm too young to have friends with kids and feel too old to be going out and partying with the friends that are my age. And now to add to these feelings it would only be appropriate that I have no plan. I have always had a plan, acting. Acting was my safety net it was what I was good at, what I depended on for my future. I have been stripped of that plan and it is a terrible feeling.

So I am left to dig deep and do some soul searching. It seems I must start over because apparently where I thought my life was going was not even close. And I am here at NOVA doing just that. I am searching for my purpose (aside from motherhood).